NOAH review

NOAH

PG13

Art ***

Heart **

Mind *

Experience *1/2

"The Creator" (who is never mentioned by name) made the universe, the day, the night, the sun, moon, stars, land, water, and creatures. He created Adam and Eve. But then temptation and sin caused them to be cast out of the garden. Cain murdered Abel. Adam and Eve bore Seth. And then fallen angels somehow became rock monsters who chose to help humanity fight wars and survive. What a minute, what?

Now humanity has become wicked, as evidenced by the fact that they eat meat. Or something. And they destroy the environment through deforestation and mining to build their civilization. Huh? Did I mention they eat meat?

The Creator speaks to Noah in a dream and he sees the destruction of the world. He seeks out his grandfather Methuselah, who gives him a roofie. Noah receives a vision of the ark and somehow convinces the rock monsters to help him build it. Time is running out. Enemies are about to attack. And soon the rain will fall.

I could start by telling you what the Bible actually says about Noah, turning this review into a sermonette. I could nitpick every single stray from Genesis the filmmakers took, thereby justifying the Christian audience's fears (who were prepared to dislike the film anyway). I could fall in line with secular world ready to hail it as visionary, imaginative, and, as one critic had the pomposity to say, "You will love Noah!"

Or I could simply tell you if Darren Aronofsky's "Noah" is a satisfying experience, with a few details for clarity's sake. Here we go:

"Noah" is a far cry from scripture, but that isn't my main objection to it. The acting is believable, the production design is realistic, even the direction is solid. And one sequence, an artistic timelapse of creation, is a wonderful testament to the power of film. It is awesome and beautiful.

But it's the script, or more accurately, the worldview behind the script that's the problem. In a futile, indie-film attempt to make Russell Crowe's Noah "complicated," the filmmakers wound up making him illogical, contradictory, and unhinged. This "Noah" boasts extreme environmentalism, vegetarianism(?), and a moral equivalence leading to mental breakdown and ultimately premeditated murder. Of his own family.

Then we get a scene where the leader of the opposition (obviously meant to be the bad guy) arrogantly boasts about how humans are the pinnacle of God's creation, and we are to have dominion over it, all the while threatening Noah's family and chomping into the flesh of a freshly killed animal.

But you see, the Bible says we ARE the pinnacle of creation and we DO have dominion over the earth and the animals. However, if that view is attributed to this character, it is then associated with everything that is unsavory, arrogant, and evil.

This trick can lead the audience to emotionally agree that the aforementioned position (that God actually prefers animals and plants to humanity, and that boasting of mankind's pre-eminence in creation) is wrong and is pure hubris. You see, "The Creator" actually wants to take us down a notch. What a slick lie.

It is also beyond logic to think that God was only interested in saving the animals. We are meant to believe that He actually planned, after rescuing Noah's family, to kill them so that humans would never again spoil the planet by their presence? Right.

Then He would leave it up to someone having a psychotic break to ultimately decide if humanity will live on? And remember, if Noah does choose that, he is actually nobly defying God (who wanted us all dead), thereby striking a blow for humanists everywhere. (Sigh).

Darren Aronofsky's movies tend to be realistic and depressing; his characters circling the drain, pulled down into some dark beauty of futility. I suppose he couldn't help himself here, as history's first apocalypse must have been too much of a draw for the darkness in his art. He has a very skewed version of both Noah and God.

The problem is, the real Noah is a good man. And the real God, while judging humanity for their sins (that would be violence and evil in their hearts, not their carbon footprint), also displays His mercy by saving the human race through Noah. None of this is conveyed in the movie.

So, what could have been an amazing epic has been turned into a bitter polemic by people who have no idea who God really is. On the filmmaking side, we are left with logic-defying characters and a story that provides neither clarity nor hope. Failure on both counts. I'm sure worldly critics will love it.

Darren Aronofsky's "Noah" is NOT RECOMMENDED. Read the Book instead.